Blogging has been tough lately.

There are so many distractions going on which are blocking my inspiration. It’s a horrible place to feel inspired but not have the focus to deliver.

Focus is sometimes seen as whatever you’re giving attention to. That’s not the case. Think of a video camera lens. You can give attention to the entire scene, but focus is what you bring into absolute clarity.

The most vivid thing in your mind is what’s being focused on. Not just by your conscious self, but by your unconsciousness as well.

The seat of your mind is where the unconscious and conscious self meet.

Late at night, while the entire world seems silent, thoughts bubble to the surface. These thoughts spill directly from the seat of your mind. They may be thoughts of fantasy, heartbreak, past decisions, and so on. But what’s the root?

What’s actually sitting in the seat of your mind?

Sitting in my seat is loneliness.

I fear uncertainty and am confronting it head-on with my move to California. It’s one thing to face a fear. It’s completely different to feel like you’re facing it alone.

I’m terrified.

Running frantic.

Anxious.

And that’s just it – anxiety. I’m experiencing the pain of an imagined failure. Not only that, but I’m experiencing it while feeling like I have no support.

This is where focus comes back into play.

The seat of your mind is an emotional state. Every emotional state in your life is highly sensitive to influence.

Loneliness for example. All one needs is a little attention and the feeling of loneliness disappears instantly. So why wait? Why not influence the change yourself?

We can step away from the scene and refocus

The most concrete thing to focus on is reality.

My reality is in the swarms of people – friends, family, and strangers alike – pouring their support my way. So many people have come to the plate that I’m most definitely not alone.

Changing your focus allows you to create new experiences.

It grants you freedom to actually enjoy life.

You have authority over the seat of your mind. Change your emotion, change what you’re focusing on, and you’ll begin changing the direction of your life.

I’ve never really been the guy with muscles. Pour two parts low self-esteem and four parts emotional eating in the mix and you get a guy who destroys his body.

Weight management has been an issue with me ever since 8th grade. My butt swelled to the point where my pants weren’t tight – they were screaming. Every day it was a struggle to stuff myself into a pair of jeans or khakis.

The girls would mock me, slapping my butt and shouting, “Big Butt Brendyn!”

In 9th grade my best friend died and I lost an immense amount of weight. I was bones, skin, and air. I had a slight boost of confidence however because I could fit different clothes. In 10th grade, the girls said I was the best dressed Sophomore. Yet I still had trouble managing a healthy weight.

I’d blow up, then slim down over and over again.

It had noting to do with eating, dieting, or exercise. Commitment wasn’t the problem. Fear and the lack of confidence were.

Fast forward to today. I’m exercising regularly. I’m eating better. I’m losing weight. Yet, it’s not enough.

To really be free, you must confront every fear you’ve ever had.

This video was a challenge to do. In order for the idea to go over well, I had to appear shirtless.

I wanted to back out so bad on the day of shooting. Then friends and fans alike encouraged me to do it anyway. So I bit my lip, gathered my junk together, and just did it. The whole process, from shooting to upload, took about 30 minutes.

Then, despite an immense amount of fear, I started promoting it. I asked others to make it viral, to spread it, to get as any people to see it as possible.

Sure, it has comedic value. It’s an idea worth spreading (if I might say so myself – haha!)

But the truth is that every view is another hard blow at my fear. No one cares that I’m not the guy with muscles. It’s entertaining, and that’s where we connect.

To anyone who has seen and promoted the video, thank you. If you decide to continue sharing it, would you mind sharing this post as well?

Here’s the point: pushing against your fear is the surest path to freedom.

I have a higher level of confidence, greater self-esteem, and am now looking for new clothes to look sexy as hell.

I’m moving to California on Monday, August 2nd – exactly three weeks from now. To say that I’m afraid is an understatement. I’m horrified.

Not in the move itself.

I’m afraid of the unknown.

A funny thing happens when you’re afraid of something. When you admit it, people come around to support you. The more you admit your fear, the more people support you. They bring encouragement, kind words, advice, and instill the idea that you have nothing to fear.

You listen, and things feel alright.

Then someone comes along, says something small, and completely shatters your confidence.

Why?

We want to validate our fears. It’s a struggle to be confident against what you’re afraid of. You’ll run after any opportunity to say, “I need to rethink this,” and back down.

My fear, the unknown, was always dealt with through planning. I used planning as a tool to avoid whatever I was afraid of. I’d hide in my plans. As the deadline approached and passed, I scoffed and said, “Oh. Oh well!”

There are two types of resistance: one pushes, the other pulls.

Resistance that pushes is good. Most times it takes you out of a comfort zone. You push back with questions, doubts, and it pushes stronger with reassurance and circumstances.

In my case, things are changing here at home. If I don’t move, I’ll be stuck in whatever that change is. That’s a circumstance.

I’ve purposefully told as many people as possible that I’m moving. To brag? No. Because they’ve created the pressure and assurance I need to launch. They keep my dream right in front of me by asking questions, offering support, and helping to explore the idea.

Resistance that pulls leaves you comfortable, but really you’re paralyzed and afraid. You don’t do anything against the resistance because it feels safe. It pulls you away from whatever dream you’re embarking on.

I’ve wanted to fall into the pulling so bad. It would feel safer not to move. I have no idea what’s going to happen. That causes a sort of paralysis.

Here’s a key: uncertainty is opportunity.

Either it’s an opportunity to fail, or an opportunity to rise. The difference is in how you handle the darkness.

I must not be afraid.

Fear makes the darkness reality.

Fear gives the darkness a voice.

Fear equips the darkness with power.

And the more power the darkness has over me, the more it can speak, and the more of a reality it becomes, the stronger my fear gets. It’s a cycle of perpetual failure. A machine that feeds itself and is aimed at crippling my ability.

The way out is to create a mindset to absolutely accomplish anything. In other words, create another cycle – another machine, that is better greased and functions faster than that of fear.

Here’s what I’ve learned in the last year:

Be inspired.

Every engine starts and is kept alive with fuel. There is the first ignition – BANG! And the follow-up combustion. The sparks have to constantly fly. Gather resources, look for ideas, and find people to constantly fuel your destiny. And don’t stop. Keep your eyes wide open for anything that can be used as fuel.

Stay focused.

Have your destination in mind. My destination is freedom. That’s my dream. Let no thing and no person deter you from your destiny. Put reminders everywhere – on post-its, on your eCalendar (and set up SMS reminders), and any place you go to the most (bathroom, kitchen, bed, etc.) The moment you lose focus is when the engine slows down.

Follow through.

We live by clause and effect. Whatever we say begins to shape what we do. Use that power. Once you say something, follow up with immediate action. Do something. We cannot afford to cruise on idle. Anthony Robbins says we must take massive action. Bombard your words with action. Say, then do, and do again. Say, then do, and do again. Say, then do, and do again.

Walk away.

Holding onto a specific moment, person, or expectation causes tension. Let go of as much as you can. Have it for however long it lasts and leave it alone when it’s done. In the movie Heat, Robert DeNiro says, “Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.’” The same principle applies. Keep your hands open. You can’t lose something if it really belongs to you.

Drive.

Keep your eyes on the road ahead. Be ready to steer the machine into a different direction the moment an obstacle appears. To avoid crashing, look to where you want to go and not at what you’re afraid of. Even then, you may crash. Accept that you’ve crashed, and start over from the top: Be inspired, stay focused, follow through, walk away, drive – repeat.

Anyone who has ever done anything awesome uses this machine. Examine your role models. Ask the elders. They’ll tell you. This is what it takes.

I wish there were some profound way of saying it. But there isn’t. Love matters most.

The sun started to come up as I struggled to go back to sleep. At the spur of the moment, I decided to get dressed, get coffee, and watch the sunrise. It was a solid plan.

Then something amazing happened.

Someone working at the coffee shop looked vaguely familiar. While handing over my money, they asked, “What school did you go to?” I answered. He smiled and said, “That’s it! We went to school together!” I got my coffee and we started talking. Mind you, I’m not really the type of person for small talk. And the sun was rising – couldn’t miss that! But something told me to stay a bit and chat.

Nothing could have prepared for what my old classmate was about to share.

He wasn’t merely working at the coffee chain. He is the manager. Soon, he’ll be promoted to district manager. He’d been married, divorced, and is now a father.

His face lit up while talking about his five year old boy. His son reads and speaks better than most second graders. I laughed as he explained how brilliant the little one is with computers, how quickly he learns, and points out where people are confused.

“I’m blessed.”

That’s what he said, while explaining the reason behind his divorce. He’s gay and was tired of hiding his sexuality. I could see the tension completely leave his body as he started talking about his boyfriend, and how they both take care of his son.

This certainly isn’t what an old classmate would expect you to talk about. Where you’ve succeeded. How much money you’re making. Your road map to success.

He was talking about what matters most: love.

He was happy having someone to be completely transparent with, and a life to invest in.

That’s what we’re searching for. Someone to be open with, and a chance to give.

It doesn’t happen until we lay aside our personal ambition – like rushing to see the sunrise – and appreciate what’s directly in front of us.

Someone is waiting for you to open up.

Someone is waiting for you to give.

And you’ll miss the opportunity running for it.

Pause. Look around. Who’s the someone waiting?

At first, childlike curiosity. But as we grow, we lose touch with that ease of wonderment. It becomes more difficult to wonder Why simply for the sake of wondering.

Why becomes a distant question. We no longer see reason as-is, but reason which fits whatever paradigm we’ve accumulated through the years.

We filter Why through our pains, loves, hates, enemies, decisions. We downgrade it, wash it out, and generate something more than what the Why points to.

We ask Why, not wanting to know the reason as-is, but wanting to confirm and validate an assumption.

Assumption does not belong with creativity.

Creativity takes what is, and isn’t, and splits it. Creativity tears apart. Suddenly. It’s precise, but gives rise to a rhythm throughout our humanity which is seen in poetry, music, film, theatre, comedy, performance, art, and so on.

Creativity is the bastard of a weak ego. And, for once, this is a good bastard. Creativity is above ego simply because it’s born from ego’s weakness. It disowns it’s father which had raped it’s mother: humility.

Yes.

Creativity is the offspring of raped humility.

Finding that rhythm – the pulse – does not come by force. It comes by waiting with patience. With wonderment. With curiosity. With contemplation on Why. And not Why with assumptions, but Why as-is.

Your creative pulse is embedded in every major emotional impact in your life. That’s where we hide it, purposefully. Because creativity has caused division in our former life. We’ve buried it with fear.

Fear of rejection.

Of disapproval.

Of not belonging.

But why belong if we cannot express? Why be approved if what is approved of is false? Why be accepted for what no one can attain?

Why?

That’s where our search begins for creativity.

Not by an expectation to perform. Not by a check. Not by an industry. But by a question, a curiosity, a submitting of self to that which transcends every fabric of perceived reality.

Genuine connection gets lost in the clutter of social media.

Don’t get me wrong. People can make real meaningful connections using social media, but it’s tough. There’s so much noise. I was talking with someone who is admittedly OCD about reading every tweet from their followers. I used to be the same way.

That’s information overload. It’s so much for my brain to process. My mind began ignoring what those people were saying. Sure, I’d read it, but I wouldn’t pay attention. I was reading just to read.

That can become dangerous because a tweet reading, “My aunt was just diagnosed with cancer,” receives the same amount of attention as, “I lost my spoon.”

Social media connections aren’t real. You can remove someone with a few clicks. Don’t like what they have to say? Block them. Are they cluttering your stream? Unfollow. Can you do that with those who are physically around you? Of course. If you’re a sociopath.

We’re all ego-centric online personalities. Some of us to a large degree, and others not so much.

We’re all concerned about what we can get from social media. When you really simplify it, that’s why you’re here. Even when you have a message, you’re interested in getting more listeners for your message.

A friend of mine said that all this social media stuff is about people looking for their 15 minutes of fame. I balked, but he’s absolutely right.

But.

That doesn’t mean you can’t form genuine connections.

This is my lesson: to focus more intently on the people who matter. They’re the ones who don’t wait to be engaged, they engage you. They’re the ones who are more than just a number in your friends list or follower count. These people matter because they’re giving you what you’re really looking for: value.

So, for the 30 or so people who add value to me, thank you. I’ll do my best to return the favor. You mean so much.

On one hand, that’s like a “duh” statement. On the other, it’s a bit profound.

Some can spend their entire lives searching for who they want to be. They’ll run in and out of careers. Burn through ideas. Run from one person to the next. They’re searching for themselves.

They’ve been running from themselves instead.

Why aren’t you happy with you?

Start thinking of reasons.

Are you too fat? Too skinny? Are you a little slow in one area? Maybe you don’t know enough about a topic? Do you feel neglected? Did someone you were really into just blow you off? These are all reasons to hate yourself.

You’re worthless.

You have no value to anyone.

You’re a complete mess and, really, you’re probably better off dead. In a ditch. Long gone where no one can even think of finding you.

Yes.

Or no.

When you shove aside everything that you are, you also shove aside the people who matter. Don’t spend time trying to please someone. For the one person you’re trying to please, there are 10 who you’ve impressed exceedingly above your expectations. They won’t say anything. They’re too afraid. They think you’re too great, too amazing, too beyond them to even care what they have to say.

I put my word on it.

Don’t beat yourself up. Love yourself. Love who you are. Embrace everything about yourself. Even the things you’ve yet to realize. Embrace the mystery.

You’re not developing. You’re becoming.

You’re not discovering. You’re revealing.

You’re not lost. You are right now, right here.

Say it: I am here.

I am here.

I am here.

I am.

And what you are is stunning, beautiful, rich, and universally accepted as-is. Because if you weren’t. You wouldn’t be.

Someone asked me on Formspring, “How do you stay so positive?”

I really don’t see myself as positive. I answered, “When life is boiled down past all the junk we pour into it, it’s pretty simple, spontaneous, and enjoyable.”

Life is simple.
We complicate it by forming attachments. We like certain people and try to either model them or pursue them. We like certain things and try to grab or keep them. Desire is a good thing. It can point you in a direction. But giving over too much into desire doesn’t really lead anywhere. Life doesn’t need to be complicated. Let go and live it.

Life is spontaneous.
I love the line in Happy Feet, “You must be spawn-tay-nee-oose!” There are so many tiny moments that go on in each of our lives. They’re strung together so fast that we think they’re one moment. But it’s billions of them. And they’re all happening spontaneously. We ignore so much.

Life is enjoyable.
This is a gift. There have been times I’ve contemplated suicide. Do I regret it? No. There were reasons. But I see life now as something we have the right to cherish. You don’t have to. But you’ll be better off if you do. Forget the thoughts you’ve been thinking about. Just for a moment. Let go of past hurt and your fears of the future. Just for a moment. Just… sit still and enjoy the fact that you can breathe consciously.

Sure, there’s a bright side to everything. Sure, you can see the positive everywhere. But sometimes it’s not that easy.

I find it easier for me to just put what I want out of life aside, and embrace what’s already here in front of me.

Trying to force your model on someone else is like forcing a dog to drive a car. Not because anyone is less than you are, but because your model for happiness isn’t their element.

There are so many paths to what can be considered happiness. The important thing is to know we each have the capacity to produce happiness.

It’s a mechanism of our humanity.

Faith + Imagination + Service + Humility = Happiness.

FISH. A weird acronym. I know.

This isn’t a model. It’s an equation. They are four elements that culminate in every picture of happiness.

Happiness is what we believe to be true, coupled with our ability to both create and serve in humility. We see these elements in every martyr to humanity.

These elements are a direct function of sincere, unbiased love.

Love your self enough to abandon the self.

Love your enemy enough to embrace them as human.

Love your God enough to demonstrate his love for you.

Countless models are formed on this foundation.

As an example, my model is secured in the following:

I believe patience and acceptance are God’s gift to deal with tension. I create personal moments to embrace others and serve them while remembering my own weaknesses.

What do you believe? What can you create? How can you serve? What’s the simplest similarity between you and your enemies?

Quick story.

I slowed to a stop light. A hill was to my left. After a few seconds, the light turned green. Just as it did, a large truck was coming down the hill – running a red light. The driver wasn’t paying attention, but immediately put his breaks on. Had I moved, I would’ve been hit. Normally, I’d become tense, mumble some sort of insult, and give the stare of death. But I didn’t. I simply waited, accepted what had happened, and smiled at the driver. I know there were plenty of times where I lost my train of thought and ran a red light.

Image courtesy StockExchange

Not long ago, I talked about Measuring Your Enemies. In the same way we measure who not to hate, we have to measure who to love.

That one special love. The one we typically share with one person. That’s something sacred.

I know it’s sacred because we can feel precisely when and how it’s been abused. And we remember in great detail who we shared it with, why we shared it, and why it hurt so bad to move on.

Not everyone is worth being in love with.

Some lovers are too intense.

Some are just plain wrong, and we’re blinded by desire to see truthfully.

Some bridges don’t need to be crossed. Maybe some day you’ll cross it. But leave that crossing point where it is: some day. It doesn’t need to be now.

Especially when you’re not sure you can swim back to safety when the bridge breaks. Yes, it will break.

Because the only thing supporting that kind of bridge is passion. It feels good. It feels absolutely right. But once a strong wind comes along, it’s under the water. The proof is in every time a light wind blows. There’s immediate tension. It creaks, cracks, and sways.

Cross bridges – stay with people – who bring balance to your life.

Staying with someone who causes you to sway too far in any direction is a bridge begging to collapse.